Fear

I write stories about strong, brave women. My women have the courage of a thousand soldiers. I write about women who can slay dragons and love so deeply and profoundly; women who face their fears. They’re beautiful women, not necessarily in appearance, but in their souls. I write about women with hearts so big they can love the world; the universe.

I live vicariously through these women’s lives. I wish I was them, I wish I had their strength, their courage. Because I’m scared, petrified, frozen on the spot. It’s ironic when you think about it really.

I’m scared of failure and of success. I’m scared of never being enough; for others but especially myself. I wait terrified of being stamped; branded with the word mediocrity, red and bright on my forehead.

I lie awake at night crippled by the fear of what life has in store. I wake up silently screaming, sweat running down my face, terrified of what lies in the depths of my subconscious.

I’m afraid my dad will have another heart attack, or another stroke, or another something that will take him away from me.

I’m afraid of failing in school, or worse graduating and then what?

I’m terrified of loving too deeply, of falling down to never get up again. I’m afraid I’ll end up alone, yet I’m also petrified that I’ll end up married, resentful towards the poor sod who got stuck with me, and mostly towards myself for succumbing to the pressures of society.

I used to see the world in shades of grey filled with possibilities, now all I see is black with specks of white, so small I can barely make them out.

I can go on and on about how courage isn't the absence of fear, but the battling through in spite of it. I know all the words the books say. How heroes are made from the desire to overcome the fear. I can even give you biblical references, like how David, the underdog was scared but still defeated Goliath.

But in reality, when the fear paralyses your very own thoughts how can a few words help. And how can I be a writer, how can I use words to comfort others, when they cease to comfort me?