Winter Ramble

It's cold. It's finger-numbing cold. And it was a long day. And the blood flow has reduced greatly in my feet. And my back aches. Long days at university. Short span of sunlight. It's winter. It's second year. It's life.

How do you find your place in the world? How can you decide your path? Your future? It's such a big thing. Your future. Your whole future. Every day you're going to have to wake up and go to a job that the career you chose finds for you. And what then? What if I wake up when I'm 40 and realize I've made a terrible mistake? It's not too late to change your path or is it? When I'm already scared of making the wrong decision now will I have enough courage to admit that I might have made a mistake? Will I have enough courage to just change everything and start from scratch?

Sometimes I feel like I'm way over my head. I sit in class and I feel so useless. It's like I'm Nemo, a small fish with a bad fin surrounded by great white sharks. There are so many people that know more than me, that already have a foot in the door of an overly competitive industry. And I'm there singing "just keep swimming" with Dory.

And why do I keep using cartoons as comparison only my subconscious knows. And maybe I know too. Because I study psychology. Because I couldn't just let things be. I had to analyse everything. Every tiny emotion so that I cannot just feel sad, or lonely, or foolish. I had to know the reason why so I can shake myself out of it.  And you might think that's healthy. And it is. But sometimes you just want to sit on the bed and cry just because, it's been a long day or because I have a mess of hair and at least three unintentionally different colours in my hair. But I can't. Instead I mentally bitch-slap myself and yell at the mirror " Cut the crap you whiney baby!” 

It's stress. And yes this is a ramble. And yes I haven't written something of substance in a while. And no I cannot promise a good blog soon. I'm sorry. Have patience. It might get better. Or don't. Because it might not.