Living in a place where the first words you learn after mum and dad, are the bedtime prayer, its impossible not to talk about god. Growing up we're thought to believe in this powerful invisible guy who is everywhere. Being a little girl it makes you feel self-conscious each time you remember that he is watching. And of course to be powerful you need your soldiers, the guardian angels. When I was younger I even used to sleep at the very edge of the bed so that my dear angel had somewhere to sleep. I believed wholeheartedly that someone was actually watching over me.
Growing up you start facing certain harsh truths like the fact that the men and women of god are not perfect. Yes I am talking about nuns and priests. While we're taught that they're the messengers of god, hearing of their sins make you start doubting if all that you've been fed through your years was just bullshit. When things go wrong and you cannot see a ray of light you doubt if there's anyone really who gives a fuck. Because face it if you were god would you allow all these deaths and wars? The answer we're given is that he leaves us with the liberty of deciding for ourselves. But really that's just plain irresponsible. A mother doesn't let her child do anything she wants or else they'd probably end up dead!
Then again sometimes, I feel quite sorry for god. He has the whole world to take care of, so many millions of people talking to him, requesting favours, trying to make bargains, swearing at him, crying for his help. We humans are quiet the handful. And maybe he hadn't planned to be god. Maybe he didn't want to live forever always on his own. What if he had very little say to his destiny. What if god woke up one day with a post-it note attached to his forehead saying "You are god. You're responsible for everything and everyone."
And then again my god is different from your god and her god and his god. We all have different versions of the same guy, because we all need different things. Because that is what god is first and foremost. He's our backup guy. We depend on him to give us what we need, comfort. The lonesome need to believe that there's someone who gives a shit, those who fuck up need to know that they can be forgiven when they're ready, those who are scared of death need to believe in the afterlife.
And what if, we believe in the wrong god, what if Buddha is the right one, what if the Hindus are actually hitting the nail on the head with their religion... What if we are all wrong?
Sometimes I think that this god might not be so special, so kind-hearted. Maybe he is just bored, all alone. After all eternity is such a long time and being invisible makes it a bit of a challenge to communicate. Maybe he's very ironic and sarcastic. Or maybe he's melancholic and pessimistic. Maybe after all this time watching us screw up he's given up on us and has decided to stop taking things seriously and fuck around with us.
Maybe he's just like us, he has good days and bad days. Maybe he also has preferences. Sometimes I like to believe that those very pious people who like to dictate other people's lives annoy him as much as they annoy me, maybe that's why he sends them with us, because he can't live with them around him. Maybe we all were angels that annoyed him so much he sent us as far away as he possibly could. Maybe he's one cool dude, with dreadlocks, reggae in his heart and smoke in his lungs.
Or maybe, just maybe, he's as much a story as Cinderella is, maybe he'll disappear once our life ends just like Cinderella runs away at midnight. Maybe he's just a plain frog, and no amount of kissing will make him a prince. Maybe he's just a dream, a belief, a myth...
No comments:
Post a Comment