hate

I never felt this kind of hatred. It grows from my stomach and spreads through the whole body like fire, making me tremble. It feels horrible. It feels good. It makes me nauseated. It gives me thrills.

I hate you. I hate your goody-two shoes act. I hate that you make yourself a martyr. I hate that you pretend to feel other people's pain. I hate your cowardice. I hate your voice. I hate your shitty opinions. I hate the make-believe stories you try to feed me. I hate the soap opera life you think you have. I hate hating you. I hate the fact that I'm tainted with this awful feeling. I hate the knot in my stomach every time i see you. I hate the fact that I have to pretend to like you. That I have to smile. I hate that I can't tell you what I'm feeling because you can't handle it. I hate how you turn everything about you. How you think the world revolves around you. I hate the fact that I still care about you. I hate that I don't want to see you harmed although you've perished a million times in my mind. I hate how you hurt me. I hate how you ignore me. I hate how you don't even have the tiniest idea of how I feel. I hate that you think everything is peaches. I hate that you think you can treat me this way and get away with it. I hate that I let you get away with it.

I hate myself. I hate myself because I'm writing this blog. I hate myself because this blog means that you got under my skin. And just to be specific you doesn't stand for 'int' it stands for 'intom'. I hate all of you that got under my skin. I hate that I got to know what hatred feels like. I hate that I see myself in your eyes. I hate that some of the most important decisions, ideas and values were influenced by you, because I didn't want to become like you. I hate that I ever loved you. I hate the fact that deep down I still do.  And most of all I hate the fact that you'll probably keep affecting me through all my life.

 You'll be the ghosts I'm running away from. You'll be my shady past I won't want to talk about. You'll be the ones I'll blame when relationship after relationship goes down the sewer. And yet I know that doing that would mean that I have become just like you.

I hate the fact that I seem to be stuck in a vicious cycle and there's no way out.