5.19.2014

Breathe in, breath out

Breathe in, breath out
Trembling hands, antsy and impatient
Angry skin, red and blotchy
Fingers that cannot keep still

A heart beating faster than a bird’s
Lungs unable to extract the oxygen inhaled
Veins allergic to their own blood
A brain that cannot seize thinking

It’s a lost soul wandering among the living
Lovers with no love left to give
A man of god without his faith
A child who doesn't recognise his mother

The sleepless night, in a sleeping world
The vacuum of silence in a noise-filled place
The unsaid words between old friends
The distance of the heart, when two bodies unite

It’s the quiet before a storm
But it’s always darkest before the dawn
And the night withholds all sounds
Breathe in, Breath out


5.11.2014

Ma

I am not the most expressive person when it comes to feelings. I’m quite rough around the edges.  I do not know how to talk about my emotions without feeling the need to crawl out of my own skin. I feel awkward and silly having to explain what’s in my heart because for me it’s so obvious, I tend think everyone knows.

But today I will try to use the words I've always cherished, put them together on a paper and hopefully be able to express my feelings in a way my mouth cannot seem to handle. So this is a little something for you, Ma, I hope you already know how I feel, even though I might not show it.

Ma, you are a strong woman, you were my hero while I was growing up. I felt you could move mountains and stop volcanoes from erupting. You were my supermom.

Growing up, like every other person, I started realising that you are human, and that the things you did were even more impressive, because you had no superpowers to help you, it was just your inner strength.

You showed me what it means to be a feminist without ever uttering a word. I grew up proud of being a woman, of our history, and hopeful for our future. You made me believe I could achieve anything if I just tried. You thought me how to fight for what I want, even if sometimes that fight is with you.

And we do fight, a lot. We don’t agree on so many things, that it would be better to mention the topics we do agree on. But I hope you know that the reason for this, is that you always pushed me to make my own way in the world. You taught me to have my own opinion, to not be swept away with the crowd. And yes that means that we clash sometimes, but that’s because you allowed me to be my own person.

Our characters are different. I’m an introvert and you’re an extrovert. We don’t always understand each other. I could never get on stage or in front of a camera and give the performance of a lifetime as you do each time. But you instilled in me the love of the atmosphere, the love of the arts. I won’t go in front of a lens, but I still want to be there, behind the lens, filming talented people like you and my sister. I thank you, for helping me find my passion in life, you led me to it.

I couldn't be who I am today if it weren't for you.  


Ma, I love you.

5.05.2014

Fear

I write stories about strong, brave women. My women have the courage of a thousand soldiers. I write about women who can slay dragons and love so deeply and profoundly; women who face their fears. They’re beautiful women, not necessarily in appearance, but in their souls. I write about women with hearts so big they can love the world; the universe.

I live vicariously through these women’s lives. I wish I was them, I wish I had their strength, their courage. Because I’m scared, petrified, frozen on the spot. It’s ironic when you think about it really.

I’m scared of failure and of success. I’m scared of never being enough; for others but especially myself. I wait terrified of being stamped; branded with the word mediocrity, red and bright on my forehead.

I lie awake at night crippled by the fear of what life has in store. I wake up silently screaming, sweat running down my face, terrified of what lies in the depths of my subconscious.

I’m afraid my dad will have another heart attack, or another stroke, or another something that will take him away from me.

I’m afraid of failing in school, or worse graduating and then what?

I’m terrified of loving too deeply, of falling down to never get up again. I’m afraid I’ll end up alone, yet I’m also petrified that I’ll end up married, resentful towards the poor sod who got stuck with me, and mostly towards myself for succumbing to the pressures of society.

I used to see the world in shades of grey filled with possibilities, now all I see is black with specks of white, so small I can barely make them out.

I can go on and on about how courage isn't the absence of fear, but the battling through in spite of it. I know all the words the books say. How heroes are made from the desire to overcome the fear. I can even give you biblical references, like how David, the underdog was scared but still defeated Goliath.


But in reality, when the fear paralyses your very own thoughts how can a few words help. And how can I be a writer, how can I use words to comfort others, when they cease to comfort me?