1.15.2014

Lumps in the carpet

We live on an island were its society is an expert of camouflage. They are amazing at hiding things. Throwing things under their carpet and pretending everything is peachy.

I’m pretty sure that the game of Happy Families was based on the typical Maltese family. I wonder if one of the things that mothers provide to their daughters as part of their dowry is a carpet. And how do they choose how big a carpet to get? Maybe they start a wedding with a small one and they buy bigger ones as secrets start to come out.

Her husband is cheating. It’s time to buy a new carpet, because their relationship is perfect. His wife is really into girls, who’s in for a carpet ride? After all if Xandru’s married and gay why can’t it work the other way round? Their daughter is pregnant, shotgun wedding it is, with a side of carpet shopping and maybe they’ll find a small one for the new born. They haven’t had a proper ‘family’ moment in years but they’ll join efforts to buy a carpet big enough to cover the elephant in the room.

Maybe I should start saving up for my carpet, maybe a fitted one for the whole house. That should be enough right?

1.07.2014

Who I am

When I still believed in god, I used to lie in my bed at night and pray for him to change me. I’d pray for him to make me a better person, prettier, charming and graceful. I used to read the ugly duckling and hope against hope that one day it would be my turn to be a swan.

I spent so many years despising myself. Hating who I was, how I acted, how I looked. I hated that I was shy, but never realised that all the hate I had towards myself made me shy.

I changed. Slowly, I did. I stopped praying, stopped hoping and decided to face myself. I am who I am. I’ll never be graceful, I’m a born klutz. I've fallen more times on my ass than Malta has failed at the Eurovision. I’m not a model, I’m not a princess. I’m me.

I no longer resent myself for who I am. I no longer wake up cursing the person I am. I don’t hate the person I am anymore. I changed.  I just don’t know who I am anymore.

Sometimes I get these out of body experiences as I see myself interacting with people. It’s like I’m not used to this new person. To this changed, hopefully improved person.

And like all other humans I find the need to try and place myself in a category. Who I am? Where do I fit? It’s silly isn't it? When we all know how complicated a person is, how many layers they have, how can you simplify them so as to fit into a box? How can you take something multidimensional and place it into one dimension and still have the same person.


I don’t know who I am. I don’t know in which category I fall in. I just know, I don’t mind who I am anymore.