9.19.2013

What grownups never told me

Grownups never told me that an adult can feel lost. They never told me that I could find myself at 21 not sure of what to do. I was supposed to turn into a swan, that’s what they all said, so why am I still an awkward duckling?

Grownups never told me that finding friends would be so tough. They never told me why I should have friends, just that I should. They never said that friends could be your second family. Grownups never said either that there would be people who would want to hurt me. They never said that being nice and kind would not always be enough.

Grownups never told me what boys would be like. They never said that temptation could be sweeter than the sweetest chocolate. They said boys will want one thing and one thing only, they never said that I may want it too.

Grownups never told me what alcohol would be like. They said that it was bad, just like drugs, cigarettes, and boys. They never said that being drunk can be the best feeling in the world. That just by drinking some throat-burning liquid you could let your inhibitions go. They also never spoke of the reason why I shouldn't drink too much. I had to find out myself what a hangover feels like and how bad your stomach and throat feel after it all comes back up.

Grownups never told me why I should believe in God. They taught me about God and his son, they taught me about right or wrong but they never gave me a reason to believe other than because I was supposed to. Grownups never talked about their own struggle with faith in their life. They handed me a conscience and I was left feeling guilty for not understanding, for not getting it. They never said that it would be all right if I had doubts. I was supposed to believe or be damned to an eternity in hell.

Grownups never told me that being different would be accepted. They said that I should be myself, but a version of myself that is like the others.

Grownups didn't say that it would be all right to want something more than a husband, a house, 1.7 children and a pet. They told me to find a career but put it in reserve once I start a family. They always told me that family comes first; they never suggested that there could be an absence of such family. Grownups never told me that I had a choice on the family I want; they made me believe it was just the natural way of life.

Grownups never told me the many different families that could exist. They never said anything about the different couples, the different sexuality. They never mentioned that love is love no matter who gives it and receives it. They never talked about the strength of this emotion or about how weak it may leave you if you give it to the wrong person.

Grownups never said that the grownups themselves might fail me. That the trust I gave so freely might come back and slap me in the face. Grownups never let me know that they were anything less than perfect. I had to find out the harsh truth on my own. They never said that they were not superheroes; they never said that they had no super powers. I had to find out about their lack of powers the same way I found out about Santa Claus and the tooth fairy, by stumbling upon the truth.


Grownups never said a lot of things. They never said that I was allowed to make mistakes. They never said that I was a human being and therefore by default I would mess up. They never said that although my age would make me an adult in the eyes of the law, I would still feel like a little child, lost and in need of guidance. Grownups never thought to give me a heads-up on the hurdles ahead instead let me stumble through in search of myself, collecting all kinds of scars, mementos, and quirky people just like me.

9.08.2013

The jobless student

I quit my old job because I was miserable in it. I figured even though a part time job whilst in University will probably never be fully satisfying it shouldn't make you want to cry all the time. Besides I reckoned, I'm in University, I have experience in retail and catering, how difficult finding a job will be right? Wrong.

Firstly it seems that being in University isn't as big an advantage as I thought, and it actually might be a  drawback. Employers want you to be at their beck and call and having lectures and a life besides a job doesn't allow that.

Also there's this little thing about not owning a car. most jobs ask that you have transport so they won't have the responsibility of taking you home. Also so that you cannot have 'the bus was late' excuse. I am prone to think that this request increased when Arriva took over. Now I'm still taking lessons but to buy a car I'm going to need a job. And to get a job it seems like I'm going to need a car. So it seems I'm stuck in a never ending cycle.


And the worst part of it all? When all I want is to drown in alcohol and forgot about it, I'm too broke to buy booze.

I'll sign off with a gif from F.R.I.E.N.D.S. because everything you need to say, they say it better.