The vortex

It’s there, it always is
That small voice in my head
Always ready to pounce
It feeds on my uncertainties
My weaknesses give it strength
It is very good at playing hide-and-seek
Lets me soak in the illusion that I have won
And when the moment is just right
When I feel good and happy
When I feel like I belong
It jumps at my throat
And drags me into a whirpool
The strong currents pull me in
And I turn round and round
So that I cannot see anymore
The difference between right and wrong,
Truth and false, friends and foe
It has me just where it wanted
Confused and distorted so that I may not escape
This vortex of the mind 


A child's innocence

There was this little boy sleeping in his pushchair as his mother went around the shop, to well shop obviously. This little dude looked so peaceful oblivious to the world around him. He looked so innocent, still unharmed by life.

I could go on a rant about how I wish I was that little guy. How I wish I regressed back to childhood were your only worry is whether your mother's going to clean your poop-filled nappy. But I won't. Not really. I mean what is the point of going into such nostalgia of something that we hardly even remember.

What worried me though was the thought that the boy and all those children his age or younger would eventually grow up and have to face the world. And it's pretty disturbing knowing that in a few years time the child will have lost all his innocence. He will find out all about the evil and hardship the world contains. The disappointment and sadness that will etch away at his heart. He will find out that fairytales never come true, that people hardly ever get what they deserve, good or bad.

But more horrifying than that is the thought that this child might turn out to be the man that makes other children realise that. He might turn out to be the biggest bastard on earth. Or a tyrannical multimillionaire boss, or even, oh the horror, the new Justin Bieber.

I wonder if his mother ever thinks such thoughts when she looks at her little angel. Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't. All I know is that all these thoughts would drive me crazy. Children are cute, just like baby tigers, but you don't necessarily want to be near them when they grow up.



Breathless. Her hands wrapped around her body in a straitjacket. The more she moves the more restricted she feels. The straps seem to get tighter, hugging her body. Tighter still, starting to bite into her skin. Pressing her ribs together, reducing the capacity of her lungs. She can't breathe. It hurts. She panics and struggles to escape. But it keeps tightening, until she feels her ribs start breaking, one by one. and she thinks she's going to die. She exhaled her last breathe...

She woke up sweating. The sheets of her bed a tangle around her body. She takes a couple of deep breathes and exhales. It was only a dream. She thought. "It was only a dream" she said out loud.

She got up ready to start her day. Her tortured soul still entrapped in chains.


Dear past me

Dear past me,

Don't over react to things. Things don't have to be perfect to be ok. People can make mistakes and still be good. Don't be so judgmental. Don't worry so much about other people's judgement.

Sweetie it's ok to make mistakes. Don't be so self conscious. Don't become part of the furniture. Enjoy your life. Enjoy you're friends.

Darling I know you feel alone. And I know you think it's the worst feeling in the world. And I also know you think you'll always be alone, but none of these are true. You will find people who like you for who you are. And unfortunately you'll realise that there are worse feelings than loneliness. Also pushing people away won't help the problem.

I want you to know that in the future things will look up on you. I also want you to know that you will go through some dark phases but these will help you to become a better person. Don't give up. The best is yet to come.

Honey I wish I could hug you for every time you felt sad but you should know that in the future you will find friends that do just that.

Also go slow on tequila, it's not a very good friend. On that note, watch out for wine as well. Jack Daniel's will be your best friend, just don't overestimate him he can still hit your gag reflex if you know what I mean.

If you were to learn how to walk on heels, it would be a great help for present me. Too bad we're a klutz.

Oh also, you're gonna find a summer job, that will end up your part-time job for a long time. The faster you learn how to be tough the better. Also sarcasm will be your best asset on this job. And try not to die from boredom.

By the way sweetie, you're going to get a very sweet dog. If you were to keep chargers, headphones, shoes and biros out of reach, he'd be perfect.

You're also going to go on your first vacation abroad. Beware of men that want to talk on the Ponte Vecchio. Well a man. He'll talk about locks and marriage. Just ignore him. Oh and hit your friends in the head for not wanting to move away.

Finally I just wanted to tell you, just be yourself. Smile often. Enjoy the tiny moments.

good luck


P.S. If you were to learn how to shut up when you're drunk it will save us lots of embarrassing moments.