The Alcoholic

His hands twitch. His body bent over the toilet. His stomach keeps heaving, trying to rid his cells of the poison.  The sheet of fog that alcohol gently tucks around his brain is slowly being lifted. He cannot let the clarity come. He will not let the fog go.

Wine. He needs wine. He goes to the shop. He pulls up four bottles of wine. As he goes to the checkout the lass behind the counter gives him a smile. "Rough day?"

 He doesn't answer, angered by her tone of superiority. He wants to shout at her. He wants to slap her. Yes it's a rough day. Every day is a rough day. But he doesn't.  He knows she's right. He doubled his usual shopping list. It was a bad day today.

 He grunts instead. He takes his change and leave.

Back home he opens the cap. Places the mouth of the bottle to his lips and lets the slightly sour taste trickle down his throat. Slowly at first. Like a crack in a river dam. Then more until he feels like he's drowning in the red liquid.

And the fog comes crashing down. And he can see clearly in the dizziness it brings. No emotions. No memories. Just the bottle of wine.

It was a bad day today.


Confessions of a bookworm

I love books. I love reading. I go through books like a chain smoker goes through a packet of cigarettes. I get excited about the next book while I'm still reading the current one.

All the stories leave an impression on me, some more than others. But with every book, I take away something. Maybe some new knowledge, or some random fact that no one will ever use in their life. And how different people react to situations, how there's always evil and good in both persons and how the things they go through decides which side the balance will take.

And then there are those few books that do something more. They change you, give you a new perspective in life, they define you. The Harry Potter series were a set of those books for me. I grew up with them. Ron, Harry, Hermione, they're who kept me company when I felt alone. These books are what made me want to write.

And now I just finished the Hunger Games trilogy. And for me they're as good as Harry Potter. They're those books that keep you up at night to finish them. They're what your thoughts stray to when you're daydreaming during lectures. They're what you're looking forward to go home to after work.

And I feel a little lost, because I finished them. And when I closed the last, tear-stained book I looked up and I thought how can things keep going on. How can people just go on with their lives as if nothing happened? And that's how you know, that a book, a story, changed you. Because you feel different. You feel happy to have shared the story with the characters. And you feel sad because you have to say goodbye to them now. And it's like saying goodbye to old friends. I'll never read about Harry again, or Katniss.

It's scary how much of an impact a story can make on me. And it's wonderful that it does. And I can only hope that one day, I'll write a story that will be at least 1/1000 as good as those books. And to make one person in the whole world feel like I felt when I finished these books would be amazing. Because books can change you. They make you grow up. They make you envision your future. They make you hope.


Winter Ramble

It's cold. It's finger-numbing cold. And it was a long day. And the blood flow has reduced greatly in my feet. And my back aches. Long days at university. Short span of sunlight. It's winter. It's second year. It's life.

How do you find your place in the world? How can you decide your path? Your future? It's such a big thing. Your future. Your whole future. Every day you're going to have to wake up and go to a job that the career you chose finds for you. And what then? What if I wake up when I'm 40 and realize I've made a terrible mistake? It's not too late to change your path or is it? When I'm already scared of making the wrong decision now will I have enough courage to admit that I might have made a mistake? Will I have enough courage to just change everything and start from scratch?

Sometimes I feel like I'm way over my head. I sit in class and I feel so useless. It's like I'm Nemo, a small fish with a bad fin surrounded by great white sharks. There are so many people that know more than me, that already have a foot in the door of an overly competitive industry. And I'm there singing "just keep swimming" with Dory.

And why do I keep using cartoons as comparison only my subconscious knows. And maybe I know too. Because I study psychology. Because I couldn't just let things be. I had to analyse everything. Every tiny emotion so that I cannot just feel sad, or lonely, or foolish. I had to know the reason why so I can shake myself out of it.  And you might think that's healthy. And it is. But sometimes you just want to sit on the bed and cry just because, it's been a long day or because I have a mess of hair and at least three unintentionally different colours in my hair. But I can't. Instead I mentally bitch-slap myself and yell at the mirror " Cut the crap you whiney baby!” 

It's stress. And yes this is a ramble. And yes I haven't written something of substance in a while. And no I cannot promise a good blog soon. I'm sorry. Have patience. It might get better. Or don't. Because it might not. 


My kinda heaven

I wonder if heaven did exist what would it be like? I think we all have a version of our own. A little image tucked at the back of the subconscious about a little place where peace reigns supreme.

My kinda heaven would be filled with the music. It would have a soundtrack, with music adequate to each situation. And we get to be anything we want. I would probably be a hybrid, with fairy wings, witches power and ninja moves. We can travel to places with a blink of an eye. It'll be like living in a magical place forever.

My kinda heaven would be one with no headaches, colds, or any other illnesses. It would have an endless library where you can immerse yourself in it and come out weeks later. And a big flat screen where I can watch all my favourite series. We'd be surrounded by our friends and family but we can go away when they become too much.

My kinda heaven would be being drinking and no hangovers. We can smoke and not get cancer. We can take drugs and not OD. Have sex without getting STD's or pregnant.

My kinda heaven would be place where I can find serenity. Where thoughts stop flowing for a while. Where worries are put at bay.

My kinda heaven would be place where I get to play out different parts of stories and leave when I don't like how it develops.