10.14.2012

Stress relief ramble


Sometimes my brain needs release. Too many thoughts, too many what ifs, too many buts and theories and just too many of everything. And that's when I turn to ink on paper. It's like opening the tap to a shaken coke bottle. But sometimes writing is too hard. The need to write finds a great opponent in the lack of words. And trying to write feels the way Harry felt when he had to write 'I must not tell lies' with his own blood. His scars show on the outside mine are etched on the inside. It's like a missile has been released in my skull and it is bumping into anything it finds creating havoc in my little brain. And the only way to stop it is the only way I can't. Words. There are so many words in the amazing English language. Yet when in need, they elude me. Instead even the simplest sentence is an effort. I become a blabbing fool. And movies and books are of no use at such time. And talking, well I'd risk uncovering every little bone I have hidden in the dark corners of my closet. So I wait, like epileptics wait for their seizure to be over.

And I wonder many times, what it would be like to be normal. Without this need to write, this addiction to literature.

But then again I'd be nothing without my words.

10.03.2012

50 shades of voices


I want to write and yet words don't come to mind. A million stories in my head yet they don't want to connect the dots. Should I write this or that? Should this story take this path or that? Should she be named Jamie or Lily? Should this be just another silly love story? Or yet another one of those finding self stories? Horror is out of the question. Comedy fails me miserably.  Non-fiction? Who cares about that shit anyway?

Should his mother be a bitch? Should her brother be sick? Should the father and daughter be estranged? Shall they lose their family? Isn't it too depressing? Isn't it too stupid? Isn't it just too much of nothing?

The characters, they mock me.

"Ha! You're a writer? If so where's your writing oh dear creator? "
"I doubt blank papers count. Unless you intend for the words to be written down by magic."
"Yo smarty pants what should I do now? Shall I leave her and break her heart?"
"Honey will I ever find my son?"
"So what now? Shall I jump or take the cowards way? I cannot stay here forever you know!"
"I will not marry this guy. Do NOT make me marry him. He's gross."
"Fine writer you'd make letting your characters take over!"

SHUT UP.

Screaming to an empty room because of voices in my head. Like a madwoman.

"Hey that might be a great story. Can I be the madwoman?"