6.16.2012

100 days of Summer

This summer I look forward to: 

Colours
The smell of sea.
Learning how to drive.
Read.
Finishing my book.
Lots and lots of photo shoots.
Thinking I'm going to die of laughter, over and over again.
Smile.
Dye my hair a crazy colours.
Watch TV series, fall in love with the characters, laugh, cry and urge them to succeed.
Lots of lazy nights with friends.
Work, meet people, study them and write about them.
Earn money.
Barbeques.
Wine.
Go to Gozo.
Behaving like an idiot.
Experiment.
Get drunk. (Just a little)
Have fun.
No drama.
Draw.
Listen to music.
Write, write and then write some more.
Colours.
Learn new things.
Learn a new language.
Meet new people.
Finally understand how to use that little bitch of Photoshop.
Cuddle with Patches.
Did I mention write? I'll mention it again just in case.
Feel alive. 
Just be.

6.13.2012

From Hero to zero


How does one get here? How does your perception of a person go from holding them on a pedestal to being almost revolted by what the person is? How does one go from being a superhero to being the bad guy?

I mean don't get me wrong, I know it's stupid to hold people on a pedestal. 'To err is human' right? And putting people in a shrine is a sure way to be disappointed. I understand that. What I don't understand is how your view of a person can go from one extreme to the other. It's like all the good things you thought the person had disappeared and instead their character contains all the aspects you really detest.

So how does it happen? Is it just that people change? Is it the things they go through? The pain, traumas and hard times they survived that changed them drastically? Or is it us that change? Is it the things that we had to go through that changed us so much that we're no longer compatible with the people we adored before?

And the most ironic thing is that we still love them. Even when we realise they're not the person we thought they were, even when our admiration turned to pity we still love them. We've already been ensnared into the trap. They've engraved themselves into our lives too much, they're a part of us and we can't do anything about it.

So we find ourselves having to live with the fact that we can love people and yet not like them. And the only decision left to take is not whether to stop love them or not nor is it if we're capable of cutting the strings and leave or stay, but whether we can learn to live with the facts or whether it will destroy us slowly.

 We can run away, we can put thousands of miles between us and them, but we only need a phone call from them asking for help and we're on the first plane back.

And the worst part is that we can never tell them how deep the resentment we feel really is. How can you watch the person you love break slowly as you explain that you hate their attitude, you detest their voice, that you couldn't care less about their opinions on everything and everyone. How can you watch their face crumble and the tears running down their face?

After all it’s not their fault either that they went from hero to zero bit by bit just by doing what they always did.

6.08.2012

Regret


Regret. Remorso. Repentir. Bedauren. Lamento.

It's what keeps you up at night. It's what makes you cringe when a memory passes in front of your eyes. It's the worst feeling in the world. It's something you cannot erase. It's something you'll carry with you all your life. You'll have to live with it like the scar you got from falling over on the same place every time. It's like those invisible bruises that hurt more than the blue blobs that show up on your skin.

There's no control over it. You cannot stop it from coming and the pain never gets less. You just learn to act like it hurts less. You learn not the flinch your face when it attacks your heart like someone crushed it in their hand.

I wish could believe that one day I'll wake up and be able to repeat Edith Piaf's words 'Je ne regrette rien' but that's like believing that one day you'll see a unicorn. 

6.06.2012

Studying


Studying is a funny thing. It brings out the quirkiest, creepiest and most hilarious parts of a person's character. You never really know a person until you go through the stress of exams with them.

You know how when you lose someone you go through 5 stages of grief? Well the same stages can apply for most students during exams.

The first stage is denial. This is, I think, the longest phase of all of them. It starts at the beginning of a semester and leads up to approximately a month or less before the exam. Some stay stuck in this stage even up to the last week before exams. During this phase students talk about how easy the subjects are, miss classes and grumble that their lecturer is way too boring. Their general behaviour is 'Bitch please'.

The second stage is anger. Most of the anger is usually directed towards the lecturer. Students are angry because the lecturer are no good and because they don't give them notes. They cry 'Da fuck is this shit?!' There's also an itsy bitsy pinch of anger towards themselves for having wasted half the year playing cards in quad.

Next is bargaining. This, I think is the most hilarious stage. Students spend this phase in the library, making up impossible time-tables with 36 hour-day slots and flipping a coin to decide which topics they're going leave out. Freddie mercury's meme 'Close enough' would be quite complimentary to this stage.

Depression is next. This is the 'OMG I'm gonna fail' phase. It's when you see students huffing and puffing outside the library on "cigarette breaks" when in reality they're just too depressed to study. You can see people in front of their computer screens writing on facebook about how sad and awful University life is. And others with books open, pens in hand and staring off into nothing.  

The last stage is acceptance. Acceptance that it's too late to do anything. This is where a meme geek (yes someone like me), would place the 'flipping tables' image.  You can see who has reached this stage because they're usually sleeping on their books in the library. Others are sitting in the group area getting told off by the blonde librarian because they're laughing like maniacs. Or making fun of the 'sorr-eh' librarian.

But with studying there's another phase. It's the 'euphoria' stage. All students who finish their exams and are in the 'like a boss' stage. They're so glad it's over that they don't care whether they've passed or failed. They stay in this phase until a new semester starts or results are received. And then it's back to the denial phase once again. This rollercoaster ride continues for the span of time students spend in University. Because although we're supposed to be very intelligent people, we never seem to learn.

6.02.2012

Lies


A web of lies they spin. A complicated mess of lies they need to believe to be able to live. It's the basic survival kit. And when things get too bad, when the lying doesn't match, when it gets out of control, that's why they go mad.

And I pity any poor soul that believes the lies. Because they get caught up in the mess. And they forget that they need to lie too, white lies, nothing too bad, just enough to get you through the day or more importantly through the night.

No, your husband isn't cheating, he's just away on business. Of course you like your child, what kind of mother would you be otherwise? Yes you love your life, you gave up everything you loved, all your hobbies, all your dreams, but it was worth it. Of course this is what you want, you dug your heels into the ground, the little stubborn eejit you are, and admitting that you were wrong will only make you a fool.

Lies, lies, lies. Are they bad? Are they good? Are they necessary? Is your childhood built on just lies? Does it really matter if the happiest moments in your life were lies? They made you happy didn't they? Wouldn't life be an awfully boring place without lies? Just plain facts? Now, now honey isn't this living the dream?