10.25.2011

It


A new beginning, a fresh start. Bye bye vice, hello dear freedom.  Its so easy to believe that we can do it. The first few days are wonderful. Keeping away from It makes you feel strong. You can say no, you can do it. You don't need It. You don't depend on It. The first few days are the worst, they say. Yet the withdrawal symptoms only start mid-week the need, the crave, the tremors, the mind bargains. Just for today, you've managed almost all week one day won't hurt. You hear It calling, crooning, lulling you into Its spell. It opens Its arms wide for you to find comfort. Why be confused when It makes it so simple, no one needs to know, no one will care. Why let go of such an old friend, why leave what you know to step in the unknown. Maybe its not as good as it seems. Maybe it won't make you feel better.

The sickly sweet feeling of surrender. No more inner fighting, no more pros and cons. The exhilarating feeling, like finding oneself once again in the arms of a long lost lover. Those first few moments, where caution is thrown to the wind, its just you and It. Its a drug, its a vice, its home, its a nightmare, its safe, its .

And then the guilt, the quiet despair, the silent screaming, the tearless crying. And its back to the start. Back in Its clutches. Like a siren's call It beckoned you and like those helpless sailors you fell for it. You're under Its claws, back in the silk draped cage. Comfortable yet suffocating. And you wonder how long it will take for you to gain back the courage, the will power, the strength to leave. How long will it take to restart that vicious circle, the rollercoaster ride of emotions. How long for hope to start sprouting its roots  in your heart once again. Maybe next time will be the time you escape.

 Or maybe... maybe you'll finally give in to Its whispering and let It take over your life once and for all. No more worries, no more fighting, no more guilt, no more hopeless hope. Just It and you together, forever.